It feels like I am exactly where I was three years ago, at this exact moment in time. Just in a different beach town, but the same effect. Let’s start with the positives:
- I have a new job, one where I am no longer looking after other people’s kids.
- I am financially independent of my parents or the help of others.
Where is this exactly the same?
- My heart is broken in the same way, it took the same amount of time, and by the same man.
However, this time there are no excuses or reasonable explanations. This time, 100% effort was put in and I still have ended up short.
This time I do feel cheated. This time I do feel robbed. This time I do feel fooled. Fooled into thinking that after these three years, the time has finally opened up and we could be together. No more restrictions keeping us apart.
This time, failure was all on my own. Failure to see the signs because I wanted a reason for the hurt before. I wanted to believe that what happened three years ago was just the beginning of our Epic love story.
Never did I believe it would be all sunshine and rainbows. There are some demons and pain that can’t be brushed under the rug. I was just fooled into thinking it would be the glue that kept us together.
The same symptoms are coming back of how I dealt with the pain before, but I won’t allow it to get as bad. I won’t try to numb the pain away with a false sense of comfort from others. I won’t go out and force myself to be overly social to keep my mind off things. I will continue to talk to my therapist and work through it.
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to believe it will be there but I have a feeling its caved in and I don’t know if I am strong enough to excavate it out. I don’t think I can get over a love like that.
But today I laced up my shoes and took to the dirt all my pain and frustration. I wish I could have stayed out there but alas, we all have to face the real world at some point.
If I’m being honest, I had a feeling in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t work out. I don’t want to believe that my negative thoughts/doubts attracted this fatal end. But, its what helps to numb the pain and not hurt as much.
On my walk back from my run, and even now as I sit on the couch writing this, I’m struggling with the choice to grab the Jameson bottle. I’ve always promised myself not to drink alone. To do that is to succumb to the demons that lurk in my family history. Plus, I don’t want to be tempted into texting Him only to get a response I don’t need to heal.
I know I am not the person He needs right now. There is too much history between us for Him to heal and move on. I am just the reminder of His shortcomings and previous failures. I’m struggling to find the learning lesson in all this. Why do I have to experience this type of heartache a second time? Something to uncover in therapy this upcoming week…
So I turn to what has helped me before to get over this heartache, I run. I reached my half marathon PR when things ended last time. I’ll channel my energy into running again, #runningafterHim.
It forces me to get out of the house and experience life. I am grateful to be alive and for the privileges I have. I’ll channel my focus into work. It’s a new and demanding job, there is no reason I can’t succeed, I have nothing else to do. Nowhere to fail, I’m already at the bottom.
Maybe, just maybe: this time next year, or three years from now, I’ll have broken this (apparent) cycle. I’ll look back and know the learning lesson through all of this. That’s something to look forward to.