Over the past year, my mind has felt like it’s a broken record. Over and over again the same thoughts and dreams keep circling back.

As I am approaching a year of living in my new apartment (and let’s be honest, a year of COVID lockdowns), I’m thinking back to this past year, where I was emotionally and physically & where I see myself personally moving in the upcoming year.

Now, to state the obvious yes, this past year has been one of surprises and derailments for how I thought I saw my life unfolding while living in my new place.

However, I feel that life unfolds how it should, and to try and control everything is useless. So while my Grand Plan didn’t work out exactly as I envisioned, I truly believe this is where I am meant to be right now.

January 2020 I was in St. Lucia with a broken foot.

With this being my third time breaking a foot/ankle, the world was on the cusp of WW3 and Australia was on fire. My, what a calm time that was for 2020.

Thankfully during my time on the island, I had a lot of time to reflect on how I got into that particular situation.

It was time to re-evaluate my relationship with my body and how I saw exercise and accessibility.

The world is not as accessible as it should be in the 21st century. I had sustained an injury and was on a path of recovery but during that time I was faced with certain challenges.

Not only was I examining my thoughts & beliefs around fatphobia and diet culture (which lead to my injury) but I was also looking at my ableist thoughts and biases.

When I returned from St. Lucia, I started to be intentional with my time.

I had moved into my new place and had my cast taken off when LA went into lockdown. It was also my birthday the next day.

Venturing out to physical therapy twice a week when there was nowhere else to go was my only social outlet besides work. By July, I was ready to graduate and take my healing into the real world.

…to be honest, I have lost my train of thought for where I was going in this post…

I think I was going in the direction that although I am in a different place than where I want to be in life, I still feel so lost. And the same thoughts keep coming back over and over again.

In a previous post, I talked about how therapy has helped me this year.

In the second half of 2020, while out on a contract for work, I had to take what I spent the first half reflecting and learning and put it into practice.

It was a very transformative Summer/Fall/Early Winter. Not easy but I came out the other end relatively unscathed.

I had to battle my thoughts of inadequacy in certain situations, battle my fatphobia in others, and look at my privilege and ableism.

What are my qualifications to speak on in life? What can I do to provide purpose and meaning to my life while servicing others?

Do I even want to do that?

What is it that I want to do with my life? What do I feel that I can offer others?

Why are people going to read any of these posts?

Meh….I really don’t know.

What I do know is that I need to keep going.

I need to create something. I need to put just a bit of my soul out there. If not for anyone but myself.

I know I will feel better if I share and create something that’s my own. Surely from it, I will be able to guide my life with direction and purpose.

Clarity comes from action, right?

My therapist is impressed that I was able to navigate my thoughts and to bring about actual reprogramming to help me in those situations.

I have a long ways to go but there is no finish line in life, I guess only death. And that’s no way to end a blog post, haha.

We are never stuck in our thoughts. We are in control of them and are able to come out of the negative cycle we bring about and to grow as a human.

What are you working on to grow as a human? What changes are on the horizon for you? (see what I did there 😉 )

**featured image by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash